Today is just one of those days….

I just feel like I’m gonna lose it today. I would like to find myself in the midst of all this chaos called life but it seems everytime i even think to try it gets 10x more chaotic! Between the kids,housework,errands,kids activities,bills and everything in between I just want to crawl into a hole and cry right about now. I know its just a phase or a mood that I’m in and actually I’m glad that I realize this now but still it doesn’t make it anymore pleasant. Our heavenly Father is in control and He knows my every thought/feeling and He will always be there for me so I’m trying to focus on that. Its hard. Now that I’m writing this more feeling and tears are coming out. I am thankful for my life and the family and friends I have. I am however TIRED I am flat out tired and H is really exhausting me physically,mentally and emotionally lately. I find myself losing my patience and I stop myself in my tracks. I need to be patient, she has come a long way and is still moving forward. I for some reason feel alone on this journey right now although Im not…whats wrong with me….HELP! I can barely see the screen right now so I need to go and pray…..

So here I am again…listening to my 2 older girls play in the backyard while the baby (well i guess not so much a baby anymore at 2) naps. I find myself tearing up a lot these days and for a while there i didn’t understand why. I have now realized that i am where i should be in life and also where i want to be. Did something drastic change? No. Did Geoff get a raise? No. I am just finally content. Thank you God! I have learned to take everyday for itself and not stress what i can’t change. I have learned that there is a reason for everything and that alone has brought me pure joy! Somedays are tougher than others but at the end of the day I know I’m blessed. I have an awesome husband that couldn’t be more supportive, my girls are healthy and happy, H might have some challenges but other than that shes healthy and happy! Oh and she is also walking now…yes, WALKING!!!

Found this browsing the internet, and had to share as this is so true….

Hello?

New teacher, or therapist, or doctor? Is that you?

Oh hello…

I just wanted to chat with you a second. To caution you. Or warn you.

Please, tread carefully.

You see, what you might not realize as you look at me, talk to me, tell me your opinions, our options, our lack of options, and your predictions of our outcomes is that; well… you see that heart?

The slightly broken, definitely bruised one?

Yeah, that’s my heart.

My slightly-broken, definitely-bruised heart.

Now, I realize that as you look at me you might see…a confident parent… or an angry parent…or a happy-go-lucky parent…

You might think that I understand everything… or nothing…… or that I have all the experience in the world because I have done this before… or that I know the rules… or that I don’t know the rules and that is for the best….

You might believe… that I am high maintenance… or overreacting… or maybe neurotic… or disengaged and uninterested… or that I don’t really care… or maybe I care too much…

But regardless of what you see, what you think, or what you believe, this is what you should know:

I am broken-hearted. And it doesn’t matter if it is the first day or a century later. It doesn’t matter where in the “grief cycle” I might be. It doesn’t matter if the wounds are healed, or healing, or fresh and new. This heart is bruised. Slightly broken. Different than it once was and will ever be again. And when you speak, or don’t speak, in judgment or not, my heart is out there.

Some of “us” parents… the ‘special’ ones… can be a pain in the ass. I know that. WE know that. But we are fighting a fight we never planned to fight, and it doesn’t end. We don’t get to clock out at the end of the day. We don’t get a vacation from it. We live it, everyday. We are fighting without knowing how to fight it, and we depend so much on you to help us. We have been disappointed, by you or others like you.  And we are disappointed in ourselves.  We are your harshest critics.  We are our own harshest critics too. We are genuinely fearful, and driven, and absolutely devoted. And we also know, we need you. So please, be careful with us. Because as hard and tough as we may look outwardly, our hearts are fragile things.

This afternoon the girls and I decided to bake a cake, but before I opened my big mouth and agreed I didn’t check to see if we had eggs. Lucky me I had a duck egg left from when my cousin sent us home with a dozen or so and 1 chicken egg. 1 duck egg equal 2 chicken eggs right???

In my book 1 duck egg is the same as 2 chincken eggs....haha

Why can’t life just slow down and not be so dang stressful or IMPOSSIBLE!! We have been having a horrible time dealing with H’s medical care!! Kaiser refuses to authorize aka pay for anything, therapy says she can only have “active therapy” if she get the bracing that kaiser wont give up. Its like we are hitting dead ends in all directions…why!!! I know I just need to keep going forward but its so discouraging when all you do if beg and plead and get nothing but rejection, no, no and no is what we keep hearing. SUCH TIGHT WADS!!!! I just want H to have a chance to do the things they said were impossible at one time, is that too much to ask?? I want her to have some independence and explore on her own outside of the house. I want her to be able to keep up with her sisters whether it be a wheelchair, bracing,crutches, whatever it may be. I want her to look back and know that we did all that we could do! I don’t mean to just blow up in this post just needed to vent. I’m gonna hand it over to God and pray pray pray, its outta my hands! Stressing like this couldn’t be healthy could it??

WoW, It’s been awhile since I’ve last posted! We have been quite busy with projects around the house, wrappin up school, the girls activites and everything else we do in our day to day life!! Lots of yard work has been done these past few weeks and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the grass will grow in beautifully (dang dogs destroyed) The kids seem to be having a blast helping Mom and Dad out everyday in the 90+ degree weather! Going to Home Depot or Lowes garden section puts a smile on all three of their little faces ( easy enough?)  Today we did a little planting and finished up the tilling and seeding of the backyard….C’MON GRASS!!!

Hannahs buried in flowers but she doesn't mind.

Let the planting begin!!

Taking a little break....it's hot out there!

Another great day spent at Disneyland! Apparently today was the day to go…not many people there! The girls had an awesome time, like always. I love days like today when I can relax and let the girls wander a bit, by wander I mean walk a few feet in front of me and not get lost in the crowds!! Soon summer will be here and that mean SCHOOLS OUT which means disney will be PACKED, no bueno! So glad we got in a crowd free day!! We actually stayed longer than our norm (4hrs) we made it to 6hrs today, poor Zoe was pooped so we called it a day although Ash could have gone another 6hrs!! We have been annual passholders since Ash was 3 months old and shes almost 7yrs old now, you’d think this place would get old but it just doesn’t, we LOVE it!!! Here are some pics from our day (my camera battery was dead so bare with me as I use cell phone pics)

Hannah did alot of standing and was thrilled to do so!!! So Proud of my baby!

Tarzans Treehouse

Hannah wanting on her sisters seahorse…of course, her sister HAS to be better right?

And theres the seahorse!

One of their favorites….The Jungle Cruise

Best Buds

Taking a break while doing a little coloring over in Thunder Mountain Ranch

I was going to post this last night but I was just soooo tired! Yesterday was Hannahs first Shriners appointment, it went well. To be honest I was hoping for her to get some kind of equipment but they say it isn’t needed. The PEDS doctor along with the ORTHO  and PT say she is definately going to be a walker and will most likely only need AFOs which she already wears. I was excited to hear the news, yet waiting is the hard part (sounds bad huh) Since we found out about her having spina bifida and hydrcephalus at 19 weeks pregnant seems it has been nothing but waiting game. I will say that she has proved every doctor wrong basically from the beginning. They said a long NICU stay was to be expected,she was out in 6 days. They said she would not speak,she does. They said she would not crawl, she does. They said she would be mentally delayed,she’s not. And now here we are hearing that she WILL BE A WALKER! God is good! Here are some pictures from our day…

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So today started off with a BANG! We got up, everyone happy and cheery, I made the girls breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen and got ready for the day. Ashtyn started school the two younger girls playing and getting along, everything was great. Then I don’t know what happend but everything went DOWNHILL!! Honestly it wasn’t anything all that bad. I guess it’s just that I couldn’t seem to handle the chaos today. Ashtyn asking for help with every little thing with every assignment, Zoe basically being a little tornado running thru the house and little miss thing whining and being oh so needy!! After about 2 hrs of trying to keep my cool I was at my wits end with the 3 little rascals and thought to myself “a walk, that is what needs to happen” AND IT WAS!!! I needed to get some fresh air and so did the girls (they needed to get some energy out)  This is definately my new solution to crazy making days…take a walk!! The girls were so interested in all the neighbors landscaping etc as you can see the picture with the roses because “Mom, Mom, you just have to take a picture of us in front of these roses, they are B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L” funny girls. It was entertaining to listen to a 6 and 3 year old conversation about that topic thats for sure, you would have thought they worked at Lowes, haha! Lesson learned, when stressed, take a walk!!

Taking a little stroll…

After the walk they were all chill and getting along again with NO WHINING!!

There’s my Happy Hannah I know and love…